Journal for October 12. A Wednesday 2022 So last night we had the fitness group call
that those are good. I like this. I like this group. I know it won’t be forever but it’s really growing
me a lot I don’t know if it’s arrogance or profundity or because I feel like I feel like I’m partially finding a place or at least insight one in myself to in my relationship with God three
realizing how
much experience limited though it may be of
spiritual warfare
and for how long I’ve been dealing with that I realized that like because a lot of times people say oh, that there was like a shadow, you know, and maybe that there was a thing, a shaping the shadow, but that also that there was just this overwhelming sense of fear of anxiety and just they couldn’t move. And not even the weight on the chest but like just that something at night that sometimes there’s like some profoundly anxiety fear inducing thing. And I’m like, Wait, that’s not normal. Because I think back and I realize that wrong, like my earliest memory is from six months old, not related to this walking down a hallway or in a toy stroller thing. I don’t remember the first time I had that. It’s just always been there. Not every night. For a long time it was most nights. It was it was never under the bed though. Thank god No that’s not true. But that was never not there. And it wasn’t just it never like apparently for some kids supposedly those things like go away but no my never did. It’s not every night. But I know with prayer.
It
stopped bothering me it stopped giving me fear
and still shows up. And I
know it’s more than one just realizing like how how much experience are sort of how long that’s been going on for a very
long time. Also I am going to heard I’ve been praying to God and I’m going to keep checking this but that’s never going to stop God willing it will I know I will have periods of respite. So
sigh You will see
not my will but what God wants you will give me the strength to persevere and he’s already won no weapon against me can prosper no know weapons sent against me can prosper one of the things that got suggested last night in the call was asking God you know, what is asking God what is your heart for me? Like asking God to show me
what his feelings for me are, which I’ve never actually done before. I’m not sure if you haven’t heard of that before
and that was I did that that was there are no words I approached
his throne room and was meek beforehand as I should be. And we talked and I asked what are your and I asked him to show me what his emotions for me are
and that was I felt small bits burn away. And that’s okay. Because anything that couldn’t survive that is not worth having. I have dealt
with demons of fear and anxiety I’ve dealt with demons of lust and sexuality I’ve dealt with I’ve had an encounter with something from the Fae from the winter court from the planet of the mother who was forced size who was four times human size that last one actually reached into manipulate some of my energy some of into my mind and that God pulled me right out less than three seconds.
Max five
though I doubt it was that long. I’ve had a sense of power and sense of scale.
I felt I felt
the full aura and power of a mighty witch
who is sought after
by things like Odin and at least two other sects and less deities where he’s he’s the strongest or he’s ever encountered. He’s only ever met one other person with a stronger one.
He’s easily in like, top 10 5% of what human beings are capable of. And I’d also felt the the energy intensive scale of myself then to the Fae, but
the love
that God has for me not even his power, just the strength of the emotion, the depth, the complexity. And I asked him Is this what you feel? For everyone? And he said, No. It’s unique to everyone. It’s a little different for each person. Because I literally could fall into that emotion forever.
There was
the strength of that emotion. Alone
for that
good neighbor from the winter court
that is a drop of water.
And how do you compare a drop of water to the universe? Not even the ocean the universe there is no comparison. None
the sheer
he is so gentle. He is so unbelievably gentle with us. And I think we think he’s very harsh and stark and from our perspective he is he can be but the depth of the emotion I don’t care what he thinks she does not know this is and she I fully believe that she feels things incredibly strong like stronger than most other people. That’s probably true. However she got that quality from God and it’s probably a small shadow of the way to which God feels things.
It’s the Bible I’ve heard it described as a love letter.
It’s written over 1500 years with three different languages with 40 Human scribes with a remarkably strangely weirdly consistent message of love faithfulness devotion, adoration. A seeking to bridge a gap for those who are willing to try that the depth of complexity of that emotion that God feels the Bible is probably the best attempt any, any. It’s the best attempt that could ever be made to articulate the depth and complexity of the emotion words do not do it justice. Words cat words. Any single word is too limited when he first showed it to me i i Initially I wanted to look away I didn’t but it was almost too much to bear. The memory I have of it is such a small
shadow
a mimicry and outline. Because there is so much depth and complexity and nuance. There. That and that’s just the affection
that’s just the love.
I’m still not entirely certain what to do with the forum ministry. But I’m I’m praying about it. I’m trying I’m now I’m getting directed to to put more focus on the streaming one. We’ll see how that goes. It will go well because it will go as God desires it to go and it is that simple. I am that I will be there. I will put in the work
and I will give it my best that I’m able to and God will allow it to reach who it needs to reach
I think I may still need to grow that channel a bit more but we but that will also happen. So also, not entirely sure how I’m going to deal with Tumblr, or the other.
Tumblr alternate though I think that’s probably where these are going. So that’s going to be interesting because I need something that will actually it will. I don’t know what kind of attention it will get. But again, I’m certain that God will take care of that
cuz
I will publish in as many places as I’m able. I will put it out there there’s also the people that I’m supposed to take long put attention toward
so.
There is my manager. There is N T.
There is our
who I’m going to be seeing for the next four Saturdays.
There is
maybe he can come up with me that that would be good then we could also go to our storage unit.
So that’s
that’s going to be interesting. I have no idea how that’s working out but I’m frankly I think if I focus more on like instead of putting a lot of brain space and energy into worrying about a it will probably go better if I focus more on what God wants me to focus on. Because frankly what
what I want
the doesn’t actually matter I want to be obedient whether I like it or not the depth and intensity of the emotion that is desired there. The sacrifice he made to show it how much He longs to be with us to be with me
and what he’s willing to do to get that this isn’t but if I turned away from that he would respect that he fully respects my consent but I do consent
His ways are good
and there is no darkness in him
this isn’t a to get like to pay back or not exactly it
I want other people to know
what that feels. Like.
And I don’t entirely know
how to do that. But that was
whether I want to be obedient whether I like it or not
because sometimes no I don’t like it. But I’m still obedient. He’s a lot smarter. than I am. He knows what he’s doing.
And frankly, I’m just gonna have to trust that God knows what he’s doing. And he’s working on his timing, because there’s still a lot of growing need to do. And there’s a lot of growing that he needs to do. And
oh, right
So an interesting thing happened several days ago. Let me see when was that two days ago? Maybe I still keep accidentally reaching out to the long haired redhead my axe
though that though
because he was like I felt him reach out to me. And there was something there but he was so he was very angry. Not like maybe last two, three days. Wondering how did I get so strong?
Because I know that God is still restoring me I don’t know what my full born with strength is. But that doesn’t matter because I don’t control it anymore.
I like being a person. I like having emotions and not using people I like being a child of God I mean, I’m just realizing how much my how much God has blessed me in my life. I’ve always known that I’m blessed.
That was always
very clear to me. But I think I’m starting to realizing how much I’ve been given a lot which also means that a lot is expected of me and I think that’s okay because even when I thought I even when when it was possible that for me to
leave to fully leave God.
God was still setting up my life. She was setting up what maybe I thought I wanted
he set up
all the connections I would need.
They were right there
with the teachers and the experiences and all the connections to achieve it right there
now I walked away from that, and I don’t know where I’m going
I don’t know what God’s plan is. On but honestly as long as I’m with God and God is with me I’m not sure that I care. That’s not entirely true. There are things I would rather not do. However
I am an obedient soldier and I am a son of God I am a soldier in the army of Christ. And eventually
I will be a father
Martin Write 