The audio journal for December 10 2022 Part Two so I basically have a marriage without a marriage bet. Which still on some level feels ironic but also profoundly appropriate. Neither of us are actually ready I know I’m certainly not. She’s not I feel like I’m still catching up with everything. I know. I love her profoundly I know like I’ve told her this several times that there’s a thing I want to give her. And she she thinks she knows. I don’t really think she knows. I think maybe she can imagine
I don’t think she actually knows what I want to give her I don’t want to just give her an orgasm. No, I want to give her
I want to give her the experience of pleasure that rolls through her and feels endless and just crashing over as a peak rolls out and just rolls up and crashes again and again and again. And again just endlessly and just doesn’t stop like that. Almost until it is. It feels like too much but you want more anyway. until it is too much needed to stop and you say it stopped and you ask for it to stop and it does. Like where your body just feels wrung out and joyous and it’s just it just fills you with heat and lightning and life. And joy and
I’ve had glimpses of that I I’ve had bits of that with certain people and but that’s also partially why with one guy who could actually enjoy deep dirty me, that was fun. But also
with the guy who did some energy work who didn’t really know what he was doing. But who was like empathically going over the wave going over the crest of the wave with me. Neither of us really knew each other. Well, I think he’d never had anything. He’d never been with someone like me who could just keep going and going and going. And so there were files take exit 19 going and going and going and so I think for him it was rather new to just have that and so there was a lot of affection on his end which understandable but that experience that’s what I want to give her because that’s that’s just an expression of how I feel. Words alone don’t convey that they can’t convey that That is so much more than just words. Like I say like speaking with my body. and like I’ve had I sort of had this conversation which is like oh no, I have nonverbals with my mom and like with talking with facial expressions, which is not at all what I’m talking about. Like, I’ve talked to her about talking with my body and talking, like having conversations, because I want to continue on State Route and I’m gonna have conversations in dance. And she’s like, Oh, nonverbals Okay, yeah. And she says this and I’m like, You have no idea what I’m talking about. And I really don’t think she does even like outside of what I want to give her. I really don’t think she understands precisely what I mean, or at least hasn’t been thinking in those terms in quite a long time.
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