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The dark bight in the nave is broken only

By the candle flames, rows and rows

Blowing flickering lights that once …

I loved that echos

Of my feet bring me closer to the alter

Of my faith that is not my faith, a split

Hundreds of years old and still we go back.

I go back.

To that place

It had no cathedral, no stained glass, though

Stained hands were cheap. It wasn’t

Fancy, it wasn’t easy to kneel in those pews

In rows and watch and listen as the cop was

cleaned and passed along to only the select few up front.

A simple chaple for that school, a chaple that

Is not this place, that was not His place, at

Least not to me. That place was run by woman

that tradition said should have worm

black and covered their heads, but they didn’t.

They looked like teachers from the 1950’s in their

Bland business suits.

But still they were Sisters. Sister Student.

Sister Jone, Sister Anders

I left them at still a young age yet still I

come back. They blazed a trail in my psyche

feet wide, that refuses to go away and I still

go down it. It’s a trail of solid, packed earth

on which nothing grows.

“If you would stop philosophizing, you would see I am correct.”

This Josephine was a short, not anybody but attitude per speech. Her was as refreshing as a spring rain that robs the day humidity.

Personality was tough as steel. Her wit was that sharp as a sword vicious as a mother bear, though the ferocity was applied mostly to her enemies. She wished to be thought of as gentle, as a lamb or soft featherbed. Summer rain as agreeing to on a hot morning.

she wished to be thought of as a gentle lamb or or a soft featherbed. Her steel underneath, she considered a thing to be ignored and forgotten.

The Joseph looking up at her, smiling Presentable. Yet recent smiling gets present smiling guests full of resentment. “If you keep gloating like that, I don’t know what you’ll do to occupy your time. Or what you will spend it with.”

“You’re just jealous that I am smarter, and that my idea is not a myth.” Her tone was self-satisfied, pleased, and congratulatory, though not smug.

This is it’s my birthday today. Sometimes they say your older, wiser. Few people actually seem to be wise. I went up to see my friend to get another treatment. He’s doing much better, and actually doing the exercises that physical therapy is given. And it’s helping. He is standing taller, though he is still experiencing some pain. I forgot to

I hi steel, that there are so many things that I keep forgetting to do. Especially with people, and old and new friends. Sending messages, staying in contact, making that a more regular thing. I feel and remember those ideas come to me and then I just ignore them, or else I don’t do them. I wonder if we as I mentioned to him, one of the benefits of coming up to see him is the long commutes. That long commutes gives me lots of time to write, and speak things out. Partially habit, or a desire to not do them, or some habit of only dealing with people who are physically there. Oh as I mentioned to him, one of the benefits of coming up to see him is the long commutes. That long commutes gives me lots of time to write, and speak things out.

How that got on a different line I don’t know. Thanks for

I was able to collect and solidify all of my previous writing, onto my laptop for review. I do still need to check and choose what goes where,. I feel rather surprised by how much material I actually created. I am very certain that we can happen or maybe weeks I have, maybe 20 or more pieces. I did not actually count how many pieces of writing there are..

As I suppose something I should also reflect on is how I have changed over the past several months. I asked my roommate, and her response was that, while my core self has not changed the direction of my life certainly seems to. In some ways I was much more of a freelove hippie, exploring my sexuality and now I am much more conservative I believe she said. I believe she also mentioned how she could tell that I would wish that she responded differently thanks, and all of that is true. I she did freely say that she does not think that I’m crazy. But as far as she could tell, I seem to have abandoned it. I have not pointed out to her that it has become much more personal essay that much more personal thing was in prayer and massage. Also not fully convinced that what I’m listening to is God. I’ll take those four points of interest does. The main direction of my life is certainly different. As she says, before I was much more focused on energy work. I did throw out a lot of material, not a lot but a few of the books that I had.

This as much as she would like to believe it, if I tried to articulate it to her right now I don’t think she would understand.

My stance on sexuality has definitely changed. Since it’s not just that that has changed so much as I embrace the possibility, but she is not actually being item. Which I think was maybe one of the most drastic changes. Especially considering how vehemently for a long time I admitted our connection, but I utterly denied the possibility of anything. And I don’t know what that did to her emotionally. Especially since she never really dated elsewhere. This I certainly do joke a lot less about sex, and sexual things. I don’t think she really wants to hear right now, that my stance on that is there really should be within marriage. That that is the last piece of the puzzle, not one of the first thing that. And as much as I wanted, and I really want to ask, if she doesn’t want it also, doesn’t want me, it’s not worth having. I have too many partners that don’t actually care about me. It is my job to gives touch to people. I know what intimate touch feels like, I know what impersonal deal touch feels like. Ashley really does not understand that. The only touch she knows, as far as I know is incidents, but that is normal touch. It doesn’t have a special place. I don’t think she appreciates how, profound idiots. It is.

The more I focus on her, I feel like the slower things that. As much as she is a concern of mine, as much as I love her, I can’t focus on her.… I know there’s been progress, I don’t know precisely where she’s at, but I do believe she’s reaching the partner she can continue on the road that she thought.

So Ross has not seen me for several weeks, and he almost immediately said when I got there, that I look quote “sucking fantastic”. He complemented whatever exercise I’ve been doing.

I’m going to reflect on how I’ve changed, – I know that I has started listening to the Bible for more, I listen to worship music much more, (those are good cosmetic starters))’s I cried a lot more, I have much more peace than I used to, I have a good focus on life, I know I’m going somewhere without really understanding the full destination, I don’t feel like I’m running away something’s nearly as much, or at all. My mind is much clearer, I am far more social that I used to be, all of my abilities and skills are actually getting used at once which is very strange to me.

The audio journal, October 29 2022. So I’m getting back from giving Ross his fourth treatment in a row four weeks in a row. I’m not gonna be able to see him for three weeks I told him to I need to change that. It’s going to be three weeks because next weekend is the wedding weekend. After that I have MFI the MFR seminar. So it’s gonna be three weeks. He’s reacting really, really well. So I can still keep talking to him that I’m gonna do.

I had a strange stream last night I normally don’t talk about my dreams I’ve been at like, it was unusual, or at least there was like things were going on in my dream normally.

And then suddenly, like I saw a bird that was almost cartoonishly, like a crow or some other black. Not quite a raven or crow. It was almost cartoonish. But it was high up, and I saw it twice. But the second time, I mean, there were like three things under it. I don’t know, like streaks or clouds or flying things or feathers or something. I don’t know. I saw it once. And I thought, Oh, that’s weird. And then I saw it again. I’m like, oh, that’s the second time and it was much closer. And it dive bombed me and quite suddenly was in my hand. And it wasn’t it wasn’t the Blackbird anymore. It was like a white dove, but there was green eye makeup. And I remember thinking, Oh, it’s solid. In a way that nothing else had been. Up to that point in the dream, like, at all. It was unusual and it was talking. Which it felt like somebody was trying to communicate through the bird like it wasn’t the bird talking it was I knew it represented somebody else knew it was somebody else talking through the bird and it was saying something about mommy and something about the movie theater. I think this is like after the whole day that I’m writing this that I’m actually getting this down

but I think I also woke up several times during the night. Which normally I’ve tried to pray and I’m pretty sure that like I know that the first time I saw the bird I woke up and I thank God and then I went back to sleep. And then I saw the bird again and then dive on me and was touched me and made I was had this solid thing and then I woke up really early. went to the bathroom. Very sure I started praying again and then went straight back to sleep. Then I woke up with my alarm. So that was unusual I just there was something about it that it was so solid in a way that nothing else actually

the dream had been I don’t know. So I also saw Alan Today saw his new house for the first time I have not been praying for him or his nieces or that whole situation that all praying for us. I have not been praying for Alan

Ross is finally kind of getting some infrastructure that he needs. He’s he said he’s a little overwhelmed by the fact that he’s leaving the house every day now to do things for like appointments and doctors and stuff and like yes, that’s That’s great. That’s fabulous and amazing. And apparently his caseworker is helping him with his goals and getting and reminding him of things when he’s drifting off of his goals, which is great.

So I’m gonna keep praying for that three to add Island to my prayer list as well as the situations with the kingdom men’s group and me doing God’s work and I know God is working with Ashley so there is that and it’s been a lot I’m now on a Saturday. So Dave, workout five of the first week and I did not go to the gym first thing in the morning when I could have and now it’s late afternoon

and I haven’t gone and I need to go today because the next two weekends. The next few Saturdays are going to be very hectic and even the next Friday’s this next Friday also. And that I I know how this goes so I need to catch up here. I’m wanting to go home, change over the laundry and then go straight to the gym. I stopped off to get something to eat because I only had breakfast at like seven this morning and it was three in the afternoon or Almost 131 Almost two o’clock and I hadn’t eaten anything. And I’m actually getting in the habit now of eating three meals a day which is still a bit new given the past year. But it’s a good habit. Provided that it’s good food which mostly has been fish mostly has been

Journal for October 12. A Wednesday 2022 So last night we had the fitness group call

that those are good. I like this. I like this group. I know it won’t be forever but it’s really growing

me a lot I don’t know if it’s arrogance or profundity or because I feel like I feel like I’m partially finding a place or at least insight one in myself to in my relationship with God three

realizing how

much experience limited though it may be of

spiritual warfare

and for how long I’ve been dealing with that I realized that like because a lot of times people say oh, that there was like a shadow, you know, and maybe that there was a thing, a shaping the shadow, but that also that there was just this overwhelming sense of fear of anxiety and just they couldn’t move. And not even the weight on the chest but like just that something at night that sometimes there’s like some profoundly anxiety fear inducing thing. And I’m like, Wait, that’s not normal. Because I think back and I realize that wrong, like my earliest memory is from six months old, not related to this walking down a hallway or in a toy stroller thing. I don’t remember the first time I had that. It’s just always been there. Not every night. For a long time it was most nights. It was it was never under the bed though. Thank god No that’s not true. But that was never not there. And it wasn’t just it never like apparently for some kids supposedly those things like go away but no my never did. It’s not every night. But I know with prayer.

It

stopped bothering me it stopped giving me fear

and still shows up. And I

know it’s more than one just realizing like how how much experience are sort of how long that’s been going on for a very

long time. Also I am going to heard I’ve been praying to God and I’m going to keep checking this but that’s never going to stop God willing it will I know I will have periods of respite. So

sigh You will see

not my will but what God wants you will give me the strength to persevere and he’s already won no weapon against me can prosper no know weapons sent against me can prosper one of the things that got suggested last night in the call was asking God you know, what is asking God what is your heart for me? Like asking God to show me

what his feelings for me are, which I’ve never actually done before. I’m not sure if you haven’t heard of that before

and that was I did that that was there are no words I approached

his throne room and was meek beforehand as I should be. And we talked and I asked what are your and I asked him to show me what his emotions for me are

and that was I felt small bits burn away. And that’s okay. Because anything that couldn’t survive that is not worth having. I have dealt

with demons of fear and anxiety I’ve dealt with demons of lust and sexuality I’ve dealt with I’ve had an encounter with something from the Fae from the winter court from the planet of the mother who was forced size who was four times human size that last one actually reached into manipulate some of my energy some of into my mind and that God pulled me right out less than three seconds.

Max five

though I doubt it was that long. I’ve had a sense of power and sense of scale.

I felt I felt

the full aura and power of a mighty witch

who is sought after

by things like Odin and at least two other sects and less deities where he’s he’s the strongest or he’s ever encountered. He’s only ever met one other person with a stronger one.

He’s easily in like, top 10 5% of what human beings are capable of. And I’d also felt the the energy intensive scale of myself then to the Fae, but

the love

that God has for me not even his power, just the strength of the emotion, the depth, the complexity. And I asked him Is this what you feel? For everyone? And he said, No. It’s unique to everyone. It’s a little different for each person. Because I literally could fall into that emotion forever.

There was

the strength of that emotion. Alone

for that

good neighbor from the winter court

that is a drop of water.

And how do you compare a drop of water to the universe? Not even the ocean the universe there is no comparison. None

the sheer

he is so gentle. He is so unbelievably gentle with us. And I think we think he’s very harsh and stark and from our perspective he is he can be but the depth of the emotion I don’t care what he thinks she does not know this is and she I fully believe that she feels things incredibly strong like stronger than most other people. That’s probably true. However she got that quality from God and it’s probably a small shadow of the way to which God feels things.

It’s the Bible I’ve heard it described as a love letter.

It’s written over 1500 years with three different languages with 40 Human scribes with a remarkably strangely weirdly consistent message of love faithfulness devotion, adoration. A seeking to bridge a gap for those who are willing to try that the depth of complexity of that emotion that God feels the Bible is probably the best attempt any, any. It’s the best attempt that could ever be made to articulate the depth and complexity of the emotion words do not do it justice. Words cat words. Any single word is too limited when he first showed it to me i i Initially I wanted to look away I didn’t but it was almost too much to bear. The memory I have of it is such a small

shadow

a mimicry and outline. Because there is so much depth and complexity and nuance. There. That and that’s just the affection

that’s just the love.

I’m still not entirely certain what to do with the forum ministry. But I’m I’m praying about it. I’m trying I’m now I’m getting directed to to put more focus on the streaming one. We’ll see how that goes. It will go well because it will go as God desires it to go and it is that simple. I am that I will be there. I will put in the work

and I will give it my best that I’m able to and God will allow it to reach who it needs to reach

I think I may still need to grow that channel a bit more but we but that will also happen. So also, not entirely sure how I’m going to deal with Tumblr, or the other.

Tumblr alternate though I think that’s probably where these are going. So that’s going to be interesting because I need something that will actually it will. I don’t know what kind of attention it will get. But again, I’m certain that God will take care of that

cuz

I will publish in as many places as I’m able. I will put it out there there’s also the people that I’m supposed to take long put attention toward

so.

There is my manager. There is N T.

There is our

who I’m going to be seeing for the next four Saturdays.

There is

maybe he can come up with me that that would be good then we could also go to our storage unit.

So that’s

that’s going to be interesting. I have no idea how that’s working out but I’m frankly I think if I focus more on like instead of putting a lot of brain space and energy into worrying about a it will probably go better if I focus more on what God wants me to focus on. Because frankly what

what I want

the doesn’t actually matter I want to be obedient whether I like it or not the depth and intensity of the emotion that is desired there. The sacrifice he made to show it how much He longs to be with us to be with me

and what he’s willing to do to get that this isn’t but if I turned away from that he would respect that he fully respects my consent but I do consent

His ways are good

and there is no darkness in him

this isn’t a to get like to pay back or not exactly it

I want other people to know

what that feels. Like.

And I don’t entirely know

how to do that. But that was

whether I want to be obedient whether I like it or not

because sometimes no I don’t like it. But I’m still obedient. He’s a lot smarter. than I am. He knows what he’s doing.

And frankly, I’m just gonna have to trust that God knows what he’s doing. And he’s working on his timing, because there’s still a lot of growing need to do. And there’s a lot of growing that he needs to do. And

oh, right

So an interesting thing happened several days ago. Let me see when was that two days ago? Maybe I still keep accidentally reaching out to the long haired redhead my axe

though that though

because he was like I felt him reach out to me. And there was something there but he was so he was very angry. Not like maybe last two, three days. Wondering how did I get so strong?

Because I know that God is still restoring me I don’t know what my full born with strength is. But that doesn’t matter because I don’t control it anymore.

I like being a person. I like having emotions and not using people I like being a child of God I mean, I’m just realizing how much my how much God has blessed me in my life. I’ve always known that I’m blessed.

That was always

very clear to me. But I think I’m starting to realizing how much I’ve been given a lot which also means that a lot is expected of me and I think that’s okay because even when I thought I even when when it was possible that for me to

leave to fully leave God.

God was still setting up my life. She was setting up what maybe I thought I wanted

he set up

all the connections I would need.


They were right there

with the teachers and the experiences and all the connections to achieve it right there

now I walked away from that, and I don’t know where I’m going

I don’t know what God’s plan is. On but honestly as long as I’m with God and God is with me I’m not sure that I care. That’s not entirely true. There are things I would rather not do. However

I am an obedient soldier and I am a son of God I am a soldier in the army of Christ. And eventually

I will be a father

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